The Confusion
by Freak Apple
Summary: PG13 cuz of some words. I figure this is more of a spoof than anything else. I only write this when I'm in a bad or stupid mood (I take out my anger on this fic, hehe), so it may not be very good. Flames are ok, in fact they're expected.
1. JAKE

THE CONFUSION  
  
Disclaimer: Alrighty, I own nothing, I want nothing, I AM NOTHING!! MUAHAHAHAHA! K, I'm gonna sit down now and ponder.  
  
Note: I have no freakin idea why the hell I wrote this. This is the result of being grounded and bored, people! Everyone do well on their report cards, or your parents will have your asses! Damn AP Biology.they're all out to get meee!!  
  
  
  
  
  
Jake -  
  
It was a Saturday morning. The doorbell rang and woke me up. I was thoroughly pissed off. I stared at the red numbers on my clock. 9:00 AM. Goddammit, it was too early.  
  
Someone, probably Tom opened the door.  
  
"Hey Tom! Is Jake there?" I knew that voice. Erek the Chee..  
  
"I'm coming!" I yelled. I rolled out of bed, slipped on my pink fuzzy bunny slippers, and tromped down the stairs. I tripped on the third stair down and bounced down the stairwell.  
  
"you okay, midget?" Tom asked.  
  
"Yeah. Go away." I mumbled. Tom laughed and went out the back door.  
  
"Jake I got some news for you. Tell the otheres to meet me at Cassies barn." Erek took off.  
  
I locked myself in the bathroom and morphed falcon in private. Then I cursed myself. I couldn't unlock the door with my beak, and the bathroom had no window! I demorphed and ran to my room and locked the door. I remorphed falcon.  
  
DAMN!! I yelled. I forgot to unlock and open my window.  
  
Goddammit stupid motha- "nyeeeeeerf!" my cursing was interrupted when my mouth reappeared. I unlocked the window, morphed and flew out the window.  
  
CRAAAASSSSSSSHHHHHHHHHH! I flew headfirst into the storm screen in front of my window.  
  
Goddamn!! the screen fell to the ground. Screw that. I flew to Marco's house. He was nearest. Luckily, his window was wide open. I dove in .  
  
Marco, we have to go to Cassie's - AHHHH!  
  
"WHAT THE HELL JAKE!?!" Rachel covered her naked body with her bedspread.  
  
What are you doing naked in Marco's house!? I demanded, shielding my eyes.  
  
"This is MY HOUSE, you idiot!!" she screeched.  
  
Oh, crap, my bad! I apologized. But why is your window open?  
  
Tobias flew in the window. Hey Rach, you ready? he asked in a low seductive thought speak voice. He stopped and stared at me.  
  
Oh my god, that's gross! I yelled. Sorry to interrupt your little, uh, meeting. But we have to go to Cassies barn. Erek's got news.  
  
"Get out of here, Jake!" Rachel screamed and threw a paper weight at me. I hauled my feathered ass outta there.  
  
So, we cant do this now? Tobias asked as I sped away to Marco's house.  
  
I reached Marco's real house. Unfortunetly, HIS window was not open. And he wasn't in his room. He was downstairs scrambling some eggs.  
  
I flew to the kitchen window and tapped.  
  
Marco! I called.  
  
"Ahhh!" he yelled, startled. He knocked a stack of recipe books onto the stove. They all caught fire.  
  
AHH! I yelled. Marco opened the window and let me in.  
  
"What do I do!?" he asked. His kitchen was slowly being engulfed by flames.  
  
Water, you idiot! I yelled. He ran outside, grabbed a garden hose, and started to hose down the fire.  
  
Wait isn't that the hose your dad uses to siphon gasol- BOOOM!  
  
The kitchen blew up. Luckily, Marco was wearing a particularly tough, fireproof apron. With a pink floral patern. I, on the other hand, had my ass fried. Ax walked in, in his human form. Marco? Did you make fried chicken? I smell lovely salt and grease!"  
  
"Shut up Ax." I said. I demorphed and remorphed.  
  
Both of you get to Cassie's.. Erek has news. They morphed bird and followed me to the barn. Everyone was already there. We demorphed. I stared.  
  
"Cassie? What are you doing in a cage?" I asked.  
  
"Umm, I was pretending to be a horse." Cassie blushed. "and I cant find the keys."  
  
"A horse in a cage?" I asked.  
  
"Hey Erek has news. Pay attention." She snapped, changing the subject.  
  
"Yeah." He looked at all of us and took a deep breath.  
  
"Um, I'm gay."  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Yeah. That's it. I'm sorry. I can just imagine the flames I'm gonna get for this one.hehehe 


	2. RACHEL

DISCLAIMER: Scholastic Inc. owns Animorphs. So does eveyone's favorite googly human, K.A. Applegate!!! I know everyone is out of character but.sorry this is a spoof. And not a very good one at that. I only write when Im in a bad mood.  
  
NOTE: Okay I wrote this cause I'm mad. The world is sucking right now, so I needed a little bit of humor. You could say I have a defense mechanism similar to Marco. Anyway, I won't bore you wit h my life story, but GODDAMMN GREG!!!!! Hehe, ok, now if your mad, what better character to narrate your fic than RACHEL? Very convenient. Thanks K.A, for givin me Rachel.  
  
  
  
  
  
Rachel -  
  
I was ready to explode. Screw that, I DID explode.  
  
"WHAT THE F*CKIN HELL DO WE CARE!!!!!! GODDAMMIT EREK IF YOU HADNT BEEN SUCH AN IDIOT ME AND TOBIAS COULD BE - " I stopped. Oops.  
  
"Could be what?" Marco said, bouncing on a haystack. "What? (bounce) what? (bounce) what? OWWWWW!" he yelled.  
  
"Ohh that's were I put my needle. In the haystack." Cassie said.  
  
"Ahhhh owwwww, I'm gonna die!" Marco cried.  
  
"Hold still." Jake said. He bent down and pulled something out from Marco's ass.  
  
"AAAHHHHHHH!" Marco shrieked.  
  
"Oops." Jake said  
  
"Wow, that was one weird looking ass hair!" I commented.  
  
Well, if we're not doing anything anymore. ..um, Rachel? Tobias asked,  
  
"Screw it Tobias, the moments gone." I stomped out of the barn. Not before punching Erek in his mechanical face. And breaking four of my fingers. Everyone followed me.  
  
"Hey wait!" Cassie yelled. "I'm still in the cage!"  
  
Jake and I stayed behind to search for the key. He bent over the haystack all the way, checking to see if it was there. I saw Cassie not-so- subtly lean over to watch.  
  
I rolled my eyes. "Wow Cass, that's low, even for Marco." I whispered. She winked at me. And called to Jake.  
  
"Jake? Could you check under this table? Yeah this one. Right near me. Yeah. No, UNDER. Nothing? Keep looking." She instructed. Jake went under the table and reached around for it. Cassie watched his ass wiggle left and right left and right.  
  
"Ok, I gotta go." I said quickly. And I ran out of the barn. I heard Cassie say something on my way out.  
  
"Oh my, sorry Jake, I didn't know this hose was on. You should take off your shirt or you'll get a cold. Yeah and keep checking under that table. Mmm-hmm yeahh"  
  
I got to my house and pulled open the door. My little sister Jordan was there watching TV. I wanted to watch TV. And hell, I deserved it, I was saving the world!  
  
"Jordan, I'm watching, get the hell outta here!" I informed her kindly. I ripped the remote out of her hand and collapsed onto the sofa.  
  
"WHAT! RACHEL you LOSER I was watching that!!!" she yelled. She dove for my remote.  
  
"NO!" I yelled. "You stupid little airheaded, Mandy Moore wannabe!!"  
  
"YOU UGLY PIMPLED, DROOPY-ASSED COW!!" she screamed back.  
  
"YOU RETARDED, BUTT LICKING, ARMPIT SNIFFING TOAD!!" I shot back.  
  
"YOU BITCHY, FREAKY, HAG WITH SPLIT-ENDS!!"  
  
"YOU..you.FAT GIRL!!!" I screamed. I thought I touched a nerve finally. I didn't.  
  
Jordan brought her hands to her face and sniffed sarcastically.  
  
"(sniff) aww, your gonna make me cry (sniff) can you give me some TISSUES FROM YOUR BRA?"  
  
Dead silence. I was going to kill her. I was very ready to morph grizzly, rip off her legs, and stuff them in her mouth. But then the phone rang.  
  
"Jordan? Is for you." My other sister Sara called. Jordan smirked and walked away.  
  
"Stupid bitch." I muttered. I looked around. THE STUPID FREAK BROUGHT THE REMOTE WITH HER!!  
  
"Ehhhhh, f*ck it." I said. I plopped down and ended up watching what she was watching. The News. Some bald lady with a pink mustache was reporting on the Sharing.  
  
"And today the Sharing has announced that they are going on a trip and if several people appear to be missing, it is because they are on this trip." The lady smirked an evil grin. Then suddenly -  
  
"NO IT'S A LIE THEY'RE TRYING TO TAKE OVER - " The lady regained her composure. She smiled.  
  
"Sorry. Too many chalupas."  
  
I shut off the TV. This was serious. I had to tell the others. I ran to my room to morph. But then I ran to bathroom first, because I had the sudden urge to pee. Sara was in there.  
  
"SARA HURRY UP I NEED TO PEE!" I yelled.  
  
"Wait I need to take my time mommy said." She answered. I waited 5 minutes.  
  
"SARA!"  
  
"Otay, I need to wash my hands" I heard her set up the stool to help her reach the sink. I heard the water running. Then it stopped.  
  
"LET ME IN!" I screamed.  
  
"I forgot to flush." I heard her scamper to the toilet and flush. Then I heard the stool again.  
  
"SARAAAAA!" I yelled. "WHAT ARE YOU DOING!!!!"  
  
"I need to wash my hands again 'cause the flusher is dirty mommy said."  
  
I was gonna kill my mom too. When I had time.  
  
Finally she opened the door. She walked out slowly. I had to restrain every muscle in my body from strangling her. Then - I suddenly didn't need to pee anymore.  
  
"Ewwwwww! Rachel made pee pee! Ewwwwww!" Sara squealed. She skipped off to tell the world.  
  
"F*ck the yeerks, I'm going to Tobias." I muttered. I changed and flew to his meadow, hopefully to spark up some action in the woods.  
  
  
  
  
  
Hehe. The last chapter got no flames whatsoever. I wonder if this will get any? Let's wait and see.. 


	3. TOBIAS

DISCLAIMER:  
  
Me- Animorphs? Can I own you?  
  
Jake- Um, lets put it to a vote!  
  
Rachel- I'm in! Let's do it!  
  
Marco- WHAT!? Rachel, who knows what Freak Apple will do to you in her fics!  
  
Rachel- Oh yeah, K.A. rescue meeeeeee!!  
  
Cassie- Do I still get to love Jake if you own us?  
  
Me- Um, you don't like Marco?  
  
Cassie- K.A. GET YOUR APPLEGATE ASS OVER HERE!! TAKE US BAACK!  
  
Marco- Hey, I think we should go wit the new girl.  
  
Tobias- Your all nuts. **flies to K.A. and Scholastic**  
  
Ax- I do as Prince Jake says  
  
Jake- **morphs and flies to K.A.** - - once again proving I don't own the Animorphs and they don't want to be owned by me anyway.  
  
----THAT WAS A DISCLAIMER. NOT THE FIC! HEHE, I got a little carried away--- --  
  
NOTE: Who woulda thunk it? Three chapters of a story I wrote just cuz I was high on sugar and stuff. Well, the next chapters may not be as funny as you think the others were, cuz my mom recently cut me off from all sugar and coffee. Something about me being too hyper. Oh well. On with the show! **chews on pencil thinking bout what to write** oh wait, I'm typing this. Hehe **chews on keyboard thinking bout what to write**  
  
  
  
Tobias -  
  
Holy crap, that female red tail was HOT! I stopped. Stupid Tobias, what about Rachel? Hey Tobias, hawks have needs to y'know. Tobias, you'd be CHEATING on Rachel! Tobias that red tail is comin on to YOU!  
  
I shook my head. It should be ok, Rachel would never know.  
  
"Hey Tobias!" a voice called my name. Rachel. Goddamn.  
  
Hey Rach. I was so pissed off. Speaking of which, hawks have an exceptional sense of smell, and I smelled something on Rachel.  
  
Rach, did you pee -   
  
"Shut up let's not talk." She said seductively. "Why don't you go human for a while?"  
  
Well, if I wasn't gonna get it from the female hawk - Good idea I morphed my human body. Rachel didn't waste any time she held me and we made out for a while. Suddenly there was a flap of wings. The female hawk!  
  
She landed on a low branch and stared me in the eye. Then it slapped me across the face with it's wing and shrieked.  
  
TSEEEEEEEEEEEERR!  
  
It sounded oddly like she was saying "you BASTARD!". Then it flew away, making sure to leave some - bird product - in Rachel's hair.  
  
"AHH! What the hell was THAT all about?" Rachel yelled, trying to get the crap out of her hair.  
  
"I have no idea." I said with a straight face. Rachel stared.  
  
"Do you KNOW that bird?" she demanded.  
  
"Ummm."  
  
"THAT STUPID BIRD-SLUT GUTTER WHORE!!!!!" she yelled. She began to morph bald eagle. "Tryin to steal my man, that bit-eeeerrf" Her beak protruded.  
  
"Rachel NO!" I yelled.  
  
She stared at me fiercely. Don't you tell me what to do, you man-whore! she roared in my head. Then she flew off in pursuit of the gutter whore. I mean female hawk. (Note: hehe, I like sayin gutter whore).  
  
I quickly morphed, about to chase down Rachel when suddenly the tree transformed into Erek.  
  
What the bloody hell!! I yelled. He scared the bajeezes outta me.  
  
"Um I have more news." He said sheepishly. "Not like before."  
  
Ok. Fine. Me and Rachel will be there.  
  
Erek nodded. Then he put his hologram back up and jogged out of the woods and into the street. I almost laughed my feathered ass off.  
  
Erek had put the wrong hologram up and was now running out of the woods as a busty, curvy blond wearing a G-string and a very small, revealing bra.  
  
"Mommy look it's a gutter whore!" a little girl squealed. Her mother, who was holding her hand looked shocked. Probably both at the practically naked woman running down the street and the fact that her 5 year old daughter said "gutter whore" (Note: I LOVE saying gutter whore!!! Sorry if that's offensive). I looked closer and saw that it was Rachel's sister Sara and her mom. Oh, so THAT's how a 5 year old girl knew the word gutter whore.  
  
My mind snapped back. Rachel! I had to get her! I launched off a branch and headed in the direction Rachel was going. They were gone. I decided to look downwards. There was Rachel! She was in human form and kicking a large boulder.  
  
Rachel? I asked cautiously. When Rachel was mad talking to her was like pulling the trigger on a nuclear bomb.  
  
"Stupid gutter whore got away." She muttered. I noticed she had managed to kick a dent in the boulder. I decided to land on a farther branch.  
  
Rachel, sorry. I said.  
  
She stopped. "It's ok, I guess. Especially after I bailed on you earlier." She grinned.  
  
"But I could have easily kicked that gutter whore's ass!"  
  
Totally. I agreed. Oh yeah, Erek's got more news.  
  
"Like before?"  
  
not like before. then I told her about Erek putting up the wrong hologram and we laughed on the way to Cassie's barn. Rachel was a bald eagle.  
  
I LOVE flying!! she exulted, high on life. She zoomed towards a squirrel about to run along a power line.  
  
BOO! she yelled. The squirrel freaked out and tripped. It landed on the big electrical thing and then -  
  
BZZZZZZZZZT!  
  
The squirrel got fried and fell to the ground, extra crispy-style.  
  
Oops.  
  
Then a familiar boy came out of the woods and examined the fried squirrel. He bent down and sniffed it. He smiled and hid the cooked squirrel in his shirt.  
  
AX! I yelled. He looked startled and dropped the squirrel.  
  
Don't eat squirrels Ax. I told him.  
  
But it smells like food! he whined.  
  
No. I said firmly. He dropped the squirrel. Then he joined us. We flew to Cassie's barn. No sign of Erek yet. I saw Cassie still in the cage. I also saw WAY too much of Jake.  
  
What the hell? I asked. Rachel laughed.  
  
Jake was only in his wet boxers. His outer clothes wear sitting in a wet heap on the floor. Cassie was holding a garden hose.  
  
"Um, this stupid hose is on the fritz." She said, her finger still on the "on" button (Note: do hoses have "on" buttons?)  
  
"Yeah. I need help finding the key." Jake said. "Cassie says its under this table. " He leaned over and searched. I, heterosexual-Tobias, just happened to notice that his boxers clung to his rear end, revealing his 2 cheeks. I looked at Cassie and realized she noticed this too. She noticed the hell out of it.  
  
Jeez Cassie. I said privately. Then Marco strolled in.  
  
"Hey guys, you are gonna LOVE this!" he exclaimed.  
  
Following him was Erek, still a large-breasted woman wearing very little.  
  
"What the - Marco, did you hire us a gutter whore again!?" Cassie asked.  
  
"No. It's Erek. His hologram is broken." He said sheepishly.  
  
The gutter whore nodded. Then Rachel's mom suddenly stormed in. I squawked. Stupid! I wasn't on the lookout! Ax dove into a stall.  
  
"WHO ARE YOU!? HOW DARE YOU WALK OUT IN PUBLIC DRESSED LIKE THAT IN FRONT OF CHILDREN!! YOU SHOULD KNOW BETTER!!" she screamed.  
  
"Mom?" Rachel said, surprised.  
  
"RACHEL!!! IS THIS GUTTER WHORE A FRIEND OF YOURS!!?? AND WHERE DO YOU THINK SARA LEARNED THE WORD GUTTER WHORE!!??" she screamed some more.  
  
"It wasn't ME mo-" Rachel's mom grabbed her ear.  
  
"IF YOU THINK YOU ARE NOT GROUNDED, THINK AGAIN MISSY!! IF YOU EVER TEACH YOUR SISTER WORDS LIKE THAT AGAIN - " she twisted Rachel's ear and dragged her out of the barn.  
  
We were silent. Ax peeked out from the stall.  
  
That was frightening. Is Rachel's mother suffering from PMS?" he wondered.  
  
  
  
  
  
  
  
Ahhhhh, ok I had writer's block. This is the best I could do with writer's block. Review your heart out, readers! I need sugar. SUGAR PLEEEEAAAASSEE!!!!! Agghhhh, my mom says no. She is such a gutter whore. I CANT WRITE WITHOUT SUGAR!! Oh and if you read my other fic "the something" well I didn't abandon it. I just got writers block and this was supposed to help. It didn't, so I just gotta wait a while. Maybe another chapter of this will do the trick? Whaddya think? 


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